Revolver Golden Gods – Best Bassist Nominees

Revolver Golden Gods Awards Best Bassist

Revolver Golden Gods Awards Paul Gray Best Bassist, presented by Dean Markley

And the nominees are…

Frank Bello (Anthrax)
Michael Anthony (Chickenfoot)
Fieldy (Korn)
David Ellefson (Megadeth)
Nikki Sixx (Sixx:A.M.)
Wolfgang Van Halen (Van Halen)

And now it’s time for the breakdown.

During the press conference, the inclusion of a new category for bassists was met with praise. This ain’t the fuckin’ press conference, this is Hood domain, bitches, and bass players will neither be encouraged nor celebrated for their mediocre achievements in dick-smackery.

While drummers of metal bands might be the socially awkward creeps most likely to be storing away hundreds photos from their Furry Sex Conventions, the bass player has shit locked down when it comes to being the empty hairdoo filling up space on stage. These mysterious BROs are in the game for two reasons: to look cool as fuck and to crush susceptible teenaged vagina. Musical chops are a nice bonus, but wholly unnecessary.

As far as I’m concerned, fuck the bass. Get about 7 guitar players on stage, mount up the biggest drum kit you’ve ever seen, stick Rob Dukes up there and tap the keg…BAM… HOOD METAL GOLD. Bottom line: no amount of windmill headbanging or aggressive penetrating could ever graduate you to Hood status, Sir-Slapsalot.

JUICE’S PICK: That being said, we still gotta award somebody this damned thing, so the Golden God goes to the Supreme Chancellor of Teenaged Vagina Pillaging… Nikki Sixx. Book it and lock it.

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Author: Juice View all posts by
QUIT FRONTIN' BRAH

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