Revolver Golden Gods – Best Drummer Nominees

Revolver Golden Gods Awards - Best Drummer

Revolver Golden Gods Awards Best Drummer, presented by Drum Workshop

And the nominees are…

Charlie Benante (Anthrax)
Jeremy Spencer (Five Finger Death Punch)
Taylor Hawkins (Foo Fighters)
Chris Adler (Lamb of God)
Brann Dailor (Mastodon)
Tomas Haake (Meshuggah)

Round 3… FIGHT!

As mentioned earlier, drummers are creepy. Socializing rarely appeals to Metal Drummer Guy, and you’ll usually spot him either at the bar, drowning his sorrows and bitching about how he’s the “backbone that holds it all together”, or in the back of the tour bus painting his Warhammer figurines. Either way, he is his own worst enemy in the pussy wrangling department, but that lends itself to the development of the “victim of this world” psychology they tend to nurture. Which is, of course, a major win for the fellow musicians he has to cooperate with on a day-to-day basis.

Metal Drummer Guy doesn’t suck because of lack of practice or talent… FUCK NO, that shit’s covered. Sometimes it’s the sloppy bass player throwing him off, or the masturbatory guitarist soloing over his masterful fills, but usually it’s a matter of motivation. This band is just a short term deal, as he knows his skills far surpass those of his colleagues and this will become abundantly clear over time. Ask him, he’s got a master plan, but he’s exploring his options until he finds the perfect mesh of musicians that blend with his vision. Once the right situation comes around, his true talent and artistry will shine and success will inevitably find him. Until that moment arrives, however, he’ll be mowing your lawn for bags of weed and paintball supplies.

So once again, I have to pull a diamond out of this yard bag of feces and declare a victor. The first three nominees can fuck themselves due to the overwhelming amount of pub already being received for their average efforts. That leaves us with Adler, Haake and Brann, which is basically splitting hairs… or hairdoos?

The only way to determine one’s dominance in the arena of metal drumming is body hair. Any certified metal representative will tell you the same. Brann’s face is as buttery smooth as the 13-year-old vagina Frankie Palmeri must bang out on the reg, so he’s out of the running. Tomas Haake maintains a most impressive man-mane that does nothing short of declaring his dominance amongst lesser males. A truly awesome site to behold. That is, until you gaze upon the feast for the eyes known as Chris Adler.

Chris Adler Tomas Haake Golden Gods

Not only does Chris prominently display an awe-inspiring head of lettuce, but he puts himself head and shoulders… well, head to nuts, over the rest of the pack with the longest chin pubes since Gandalf’s old balls came galloping over the hills aboard his trusty white steed.

Juice’s Pick: The Golden God goes to Chris Adler by roughly a foot. BOOK IT. LOCK IT.


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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