Hoek’s Pizza Achieves Epic Combo: Pizza & Death Metal

Hoek's Death Metal Pizza Austin Texas

Time for some #REALTALK. Leaving the house sucks when you’re an awkward-as-fuck social pariah that believes your taste in music inherently makes you smarter than everyone around you (AKA the standard Hood Metal reader). Existing amongst the pastel clad, mainstream Banana Republicans makes your fucking blood boil to the extent that you can’t even enjoy your god damned Fettuccine Alfredo dish at Olive Garden. FUCK! “These ignorant squares haven’t even heard the new Borknagar record… CONFORMIST SLUTS!”.

Well, corpse painters… I hear ya, and those days are over. The weeks you’ve spent conducting sacrificial rituals to the great Satan have paid off and your dreams realized. Finally, a hotspot full of fellow church-torchers who will revel at the site of your minotaur figurines. I present to you the greatest combination since flashlights and artificial vaginas… I give you PIZZA AND DEATH METAL.

Awesome. Just awesome. Death metal beer, death metal pizza, death metal water, death metal… banana bread? With a baked-off-his-ass Rastafarian BRO serving it all up? What the fuck? Anyway, guy giving us the play-by-play is nailing it with the dungeon master voice… fucking hilarious.

Hoek's Death Metal Pizza Logo Austin, TexasHoek’s Death Metal Pizza, located in Austin, Texas, is a mediocre pizza shithole with everything you’d expect from an establishment rocking a death metal theme. From the dark, rape-dungeon vibe going on in the dining area, to the shitty service from the ugly, shitty staff, right down to the shitty food. Oh, and most importantly, shitty death metal blasting over it all, creating the alienating atmosphere we creepers so desperately desire.

Hoek’s Death Metal Pizza is legit as fuck, no doubt about it. Here’s what one happy patron had to say regarding his experience:

“This is what I am talking about, a nice, big, greasy slice to help line your stomach walls before a night of alcohol abuse. Service isn’t friendly, but I wouldn’t want it to be… they give your slice, get a beer, and leave you alone to eat and leave. Great music most of the time.” – Brain (Google Reviews)

Fucking A, BRO. Social interaction is the worst. Plus, with the music cranked, no one will be able to actually discuss music, which is a huge bonus. Nothing worse than getting cornered by “that guy” as he breaks down his entire collection of obscure Scandinavian black metal demo cassettes. I get it… your Dad was a neglectful alcoholic… tough break, now let me eat my fucking slice and get a buzz on while Napalm Death grinds my dick to mush.

I’ll see you bitches in Austin. Enjoy this two man moshpit, brought to you by face-melters Landmine Marathon and Hoek’s Pizza. HOOD CERTIFIED


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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