5 Metal Videos that are Easter as Fuck

metal-easter

So… I’ve been off the radar for a bit, but Jesus ain’t the only one getting his resurrect on. I don’t know if it’s “writer’s block”, the “9-5 workload”, “gross negligence and apathy” or the “fat chronic blunt” that’s to blame, but your boy Juice has been pretty occupied. However, let me reassure all three of you, this nocka ain’t goin’ nowhere. In my downtime, I missed some pretty slammin’ video joints from some crucial bands in the Hood Metal scene, and what better way to pull them out of my proverbial trousers than through an Easter themed Top 5 Countdown?

That’s right. IT’S EASTER TIME! Time to get totally shit-fucked on candy treats you jacked from some bright eyed adolescents who mistakenly crossed your path in the park while you were burning spliff in your Skylark. YES. Let us rejoice as we celebrate the magical, moccasin-struttin’ ghost Jew emerging from his holy cave-grave like the ass-kicking, salvation granting, zombie deity that he is. I know metal is Satan’s game, but Jesus is BRO as fuck. I mean, you can beat him, torment him, lash him, nail him to a fucking cross… he gives no fucks. He’s all like, “OH HAI… YEA, THAT CROSS SHIT SUCKED, BUT YOU’RE FORGIVEN. ENJOY HEAVEN… ON THE HOUSE”.

Anyway, let’s slap on our resurrection hats and hit the fuckin’ dance floor. That’s right, girl… do the crucifix, time to get this countdown started.

#5 – Goatwhore “When Steel and Bone Meet”

Kicking off our list in holy fashion, we got a new clip from Goatwhore. 3 years removed from their last machine-gun metal assault, 2009’s “Carving out the Eyes of God“, the NOLA natives in Goatwhore are back at the grind with a new record and metal-as-shit video, filmed at the New Orleans’ haunted house known as the House of Shock… yea, I read good.

Goatwhore is fucking baller status. A faucet of originality? Maybe not, but they more than make up for it with a classic, tireless approach of dick-hair-charring, blackened-thrash riffage that seems to never lack in the “pissed” department. Satan, gallons of blood, horny zombie bitches, skeletons, spikey arm bands… throw in some witchcraft and you’ve got yourself some fucking EASTER. If Goatwhore doesn’t get your dick hard, may I suggest something that more appropriately pertains to your interests.

Goatwhore’s “Blood for the Master” is out now. Pick it up here.

#4 – Municipal Waste “The Fatal Feast”

The barnburners in Municipal Waste come in next on the countdown, fully embracing the Thrashin’ of the Christ. MW have done quite the job of building a name for themselves in the neo-thrash stratosphere, quickly becoming the biggest name in the genre. Don’t get it twisted, these motherfuckers are as legit as it comes, and have risen to prominence the old fashion way… delivering consistently bitching records and touring like fucking bosses, not by jumping aboard an already tired genre trend.

That brings us to this lil’ gore-filled diddy. In typical Municipal Waste fashion, ridiculousness is turned up to 11 in the boys’ latest video for the title track off their new record, “The Fatal Feast“. If there’s one thing metal nerds love, it’s over-the-top outerspace cannibalism. Which brings me to my Easter dinner meal suggestion… PEOPLE. EAT PEOPLE.

The Fatal Feast is out April 10th and can be pre-ordered here.

#3 – Meshuggah “Break Those Bones Whose Sinews Gave It Motion”

Annnnd… number 3 in our countdown. The finely calculated brutality of Protoman”.

Fred Durst and company are back with a new record, seemingly months after their last masterpiece, but not quite in time for the kiddies’ Easter baskets. In this clip… oh fuck it. YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND, DAD.

Happy Easter and get fucked.
Sincerely,
Juice

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Author: Juice View all posts by
QUIT FRONTIN' BRAH

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