FLOATERS – Rising to the Top of the Craigslist Toilet Bowl

Craigslist Hood Metal

New feature time at Hood Metal, nerds. I’m dubbing this one, FLOATERS, as in the metal-musician turds who rise to the top of the proverbial shit-bowl that is Craigslist. I’ll periodically pick out a few stellar Craigslist ads from 30-something burnouts looking to keep the dream alive. Keep at that grind, BRO, the majesty of opening for Cinderella at the Missouri State Fair can be yours with determination and a little networking… or at least that’s what you keep telling everyone at family gatherings when Granny’s on your ass about paying the rent. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT RUCKUS, YOU DANIELLE STEEL READING OLD BITCH?!

Our first featured aspiring BRO comes out of Providence, Rhode Island, and he’s just a rowdy boy with humble dreams, looking for a good time. Let’s take a gander…

Floaters Craigslist Hood Metal Rhode Island

That’s right, Rhode Island BROs, this motherfucker reads at a 5th grade level and is your golden ticket to the promised land! Hell, he’s so fuckin’ BOSS, naming the instrument which he’s honed his expertise in is out of the question, so you know his chops are fucking unquestionable. For starters, this savant is 30 years old, lookin’ to party and still in search of “the right fit” as a musician, so you know his priorities are in order. Namely: beer, pills, date-rape, sleeping, skipping out on shifts at Subway to catch GWAR shows, more date-rape, and not practicing… in that order. Which sums up the aspirations of about 90% of the dicks playing gigs at your local watering hole, permanently arrested in a state of fucking adolescence.

Another crucial selling point for our Rhode Island broski… INTEGRITY. This guy knows clean vocals are for woman and the gays (aka poseurs). Adele is not ALPHA, nor considered “real music”. Any certified Hot Topic sales representative will tell you that. Rhode Island here is true to the grave, and best yet, his services would gladly be offered free of charge. A fact I consider imperative as there isn’t a club owner in the country who will fork over anything but free draws and some chicken wings to book this dick, which is everything Rhode Island’s been dreaming of during his illustrious sandwich-artist career anyway. EPIC WIN.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a phone call to make. I hope this guy is game for some Skid Row covers.


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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