Hood Metal Tells the Golden Gods Awards to Get Fucked – Part 2

Golden Gods Awards Revolver

So… fuck me again. I had promised you animals a full rundown of the actual events that transpired during the 2012 Revolver Golden Gods Awards… the performances, the victors, the shenanigans, the surprising appearances… all the fun. ABOUT THAT.

I had full intentions of watching the program in its entirety the weekend following the event, no matter how much I was dreading it. I REALLY DID. Unfortunately, my banking on the show being available on XBOX LIVE throughout the weekend was an exercise in false hope. That shit got pulled quicker than a fat kid on the track squad. Once that happened, my interest was slain. “Maybe it’s on YouTubez? Maybe I’ll dig up a torrent?” I fronted like I cared. By the time I realized what had happened, it was Wednesday, and the fact had been confirmed… NO FUCKS WERE GIVEN.

So I heard Johnny Depp got on stage and performed with Marilyn Manson. Don’t get it twisted, Johnny Depp is hard as fuck, without question. I would give that dood my sex in all the different ways. However, the last thing I want to see at a sort-of-metal show of this nature is a bunch of cameo appearances from the self-important dorks of Hollywood. I realize it pulls the highly lucrative tweeniebopper crowd in hoards to the television screen, but that shit is about as played out and un-metal as it gets. Whatever, though. I’m not gonna front like the exposure isn’t good for metal and music as a whole, because it is, but that doesn’t mean it is anything but a big dumb commercial for the mascaraed morons of hard rock.

ANYWHO. I may have missed out on the fun, but I have an announcement to make. Hood Metal is blowing the fuck up! That’s right, nerds… I’ve enlisted in a street soldier to the Hood Metal army. May I introduce to you our new contributor…. GIN.

Gin was kind enough to take some notes on the Revolver Golden Gods pre-show in between crushing beers and wanting to dig his eyeballs out with a spoon. You can expect some more in-depth metal evaluation, and probably a formal introduction in the future from Gin, but this lil’ rundown should whet your appetite. Enjoy.

2012 Golden Gods Awards Through the Blurred Vision of Gin

These are random ramblings from the pre-show, beat-by-beat. Severely un-formatted, my apologies.

Dee Snider Black Carpet introduction (Beer 1) – “Metal is the cockroach of music, it’ll never die” – I wonder how many times he’ll say that tonight…

Jose Mangin w/Fans – Now I have a face to see with the voice I hate on Sirius.

Black Veil Brides (Beer 2) – Why do bands still feel the need to get their makeup cues from Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner? “Rock music is coming back.” – Where the fuck did it go? It seems it’s been ‘coming back’ for 20 years.

Asking AlexadriaDee Snider is making sure AA knows he’s in Twisted Sister.

Evanesence (Beers 3 & 4)Lzzy Hale just called Amy Lee the queen of rock of our generation. I would rather drink a gallon of Drain-O than hear that ever again.

Shameless Dee Snider daughter’s band plug – I bet she hates her dad.

Halestorm video (Beer 5) – I love how bands with girls never want to sell themselves on image or sexuality, but always feature shirt-skirts, tights, and see-thru shirts. The drummer kicked the cymbal! Poor-man’s Tommy Lee!

Hellyeah’s Chad Grey – Keepin’ it real with the mo-hawk and goatee with grey streaks.

Dee Snider “Pantera was the answer to Hair Metal” – Because the spandex in the ‘Metal Magic’ album booklet is totally BRO.

Jose Mangin/Manson fan karaoke – Kill me.

Lzzy Hale w/Manson’s Band – Twiggy looks like the wicked witch of the west. Who are these other jackoffs?

Timer @ 1:21:00 (Lost track of beers at this point) – This timer is taunting me with how much more shit I have to endure

Back to Jose…Interviewing Manson fans who were all in diapers when Manson mattered – Jose referred to Slash as ‘Slash from GNR’. Did anybody get that memo in 1996?

Lzzy & Dee w/Lacuna Coil – 3rd woman fronted band on the carpet, 3rd woman asked “How hard it is to be a woman in rock?” and “How come there aren’t any women in rock? Lacuna Coil should definitely get the fuck out of the way for Lemmy. Lemmy has made more sense in less than 10 words than anyone else tonight.

Lemmy & Alice Cooper – Total class. I have nothing snarky to say about this. Lemmy just gave AC drugs. More of this.

Lzzy Hale has Alice Cooper’s entire box set – Owning a 4-disc best-of is not an accomplishment.

Megadeth & Trivium – Another shameless Daughter Snider band plug!

Trivium are teaching kids about metal by playing Creeping Death every night. What’s that say about your own music when you have to play covers to ‘teach kids about metal’?

Oh look! Taylor Momsen! Girl #4!

Jose – needs to die. 46:13 left of this shit.

Machine Head keep photo-bombing John 5 & Ministry.

Dee w/Adrenaline MobMike Portnoy loves to talk about Dream Theater. I’m sure Adrenaline Mob are as tired of his shit as the rest of humanity.

Timer @ 35:24 – I wish I had thought of this earlier, take a shot every time someone complains about lack of recognition from the Grammy’s. Take two shots if the Grammy Museum logo is present in the background during said complaint.

Slipknot – Under appreciated Grammy winners…WTF is Clown talking about?

Dee Snider – still in Twisted Sister

Monica Renee – I don’t know who she is, but she’s hot. APPROVED.

Dee & Lzzy talking to Jamey Jasta and Seether – “As metal as it gets”

Jamey – Next Hatebreed album will be “No melody, just caveman music.” Keepin’ in real.

Slash is already stoned – Do you suppose he’s too stoned to ‘not comment’ on Axl’s absence at the R&RHOF or he just really doesn’t care?

Steven Adler – This fucking guy, the jokes write themselves.

Gene Simmons – “The Sun Never Sets on Planet Cool” . I’ve got $5 that says Planet Cool is Gene’s next franchise. Sophie Simmons is hot, I should marry her and become heir to the KISS fortune.

There you have it, kiddies. The 2012 Revolver Golden Gods Awards sucked, the end. If you’re looking for a legitimate rundown of the event, may I direct you to this link from the boys over at MetalSucks.net.


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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