Craigslist Hood Metal

Cast a line and grab a cold one, it’s time to sit back and reel in some golden turds from the internet shitbowl that is Craigslist. Cuz when you’re a burgeoning rockstar, one bass player short of assembling the most notorious djentcore band N TEH WURLD… the first place to begin the search for your golden ticket to the big time is unquestionably CRAIGSLIST… the same place your lotion-in-a-basket-lowing neighbor gets his transvestite escort service on. GODSPEED, BROS.

floaters houston badass metal band

This round of FLOATERS comes to us from some Houston, Texas BROs with plenty of BRO in the tank. I mean, the headline says it all. SWAG FOR DAYS, GENTLEMEN. These icons of metal are so legit that while being “known members” of a music community in a city of over 2.25 million people, they have yet to network with the diamond in the rough… that one unemployed idiot WORTHY enough to lay down the required thunder for their F5 metal shitstorm. It’s gotta be the strict “No Pics” policy. PICS = POSEURS

The real question I ask myself is how local turds like these nerds manage to be so smugly satisfied with their meager-as-fuck accomplishments in life? Stop and consider how much of a pompous douche bag you have to be to describe ANYTHING you’re currently involved with as “badass”, let alone your gig-a-month shit-show.

Sure, most of us take pride in what we do. Even the fat bitch that refused to participate in high school gym class is proud these days. I mean, that cow has managed to entice a man into that gaping, frictionless cavern on at least four occasions (based on the number of dependents listed on her tax forms), avoid employment, AND tackle three Jack’s frozen pizzas a day. THAT’S GETTIN’ AFTER IT… lord knows Mama’s proud.

Unfortunately these delusional twats will never feel the warm embrace of mother’s pride, only the cold backhand of father’s disapproval. What I’m essentially saying is that eating three frozen pizzas a day is as much of an accomplishment in my book as starting a band. It takes far more dedication to kill a pizza every meal than it takes to skip practice and not pay mom rent.

Good luck in your search, BROs. We’ll never hear how it turns out, cuz you know where you guys are goin? NOWEAR. Where you goin?


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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