BRO Hall of Fame Inductee – Rob Gronkowski

Rob Gronkowski NFL Patriots

I hesitated posting this last week ‘cuz I was all like, “BRO… this shit’s hood as fuck, but is it Hood Metal material?”. Then I realized, WHATEVA! I’M EIGHTEEN, MOM! I DO WHAT I WANT. Shit’s goin’ up… BIG TIME.

Every once in a while, some broad-shouldered, alpha anomaly of the human race comes along and totally redefines the BRO archetype. Fresh-to-death from head-to-toe, gelled and finely manicured lettuce, the bronze skin of an Arabian price, dick for days and undeniable swagger… these are just some of the requisite attributes of a true alpha-BRO, but to be enshrined in the infamous halls of Hood Metal, one must strive beyond the conventional merits of BROness, setting the bar one notch higher for future BRO generations to come. Welcome to the Hood Metal BRO Hall of Fame.

Whether it be within the world of metal, sports, or any other facet of news or entertainment, we here at Hood Metal will now periodically take a moment to recognize great moments in BRO and the BROs behind the story.

Our first inductee to the infamous Hood Metal BRO Hall of Fame?

ROB-FUCKING-GRONKOWSKI

If you don’t happen to be a NFL fan, how dare you? I realize it’s SOOOOO totally mainstream to be a stick-n-ball sports fan, but if you’re not down for the highest exhibition of athletic excellence and competition on the planet, GET FUCKED. Don’t let trauma scars of the varsity squad de-pantsing you to reveal the dilapidated wet eel you call a penis in front of God and the entire senior class hold you back from embracing what it is to be an American. Gather up your testicles, wave the stars and stripes with pride and be a fucking man already. I digress.

After going absolute BEAST MODE in 2011, running over bitch safeties and setting tight end receiving records all over the fuck place… like a god-damned boss, our honoree has been getting his BRO on with authority. Gronk’s genetic superiority was first brought to this reporter’s attention after being spotted on Twitter getting his “pre-game” on before an undoubtedly sexy time with porn star Bibi Jones (pictured below), uniting NFL BROs nation-wide under the Gronk4Prez tent. The Hoody was not pleased.

Rob Gronkowski Bibi Jones

The Pats marched on through the regular season and eventually, the playoffs, ending up back in the Super Bowl for the sixth time in the past ten years, only to be defeated by the New York Giants, 21-17. Lesser mortals would have been devastated, but not Gronk. BROkowski continued his pursuit of excellence off the field, displaying a complete lack of fucks given, and getting his fuckin’ RAGE on… grinding fame-hungry slunts and bouncing around the dance floor like the aggro-jackass we have all grown accustomed to in the pit. You know the guy… hates “goth kids”, enjoys emasculating them in front of their girlfriends while sporting gym shorts. Anyway, shirts were lost, booties popped, fly moves executed.

These accomplishments, accompanied by a recent stint working the drive thru window at Dunkin’ Donuts, are certainly substantial enough to warrant BROkowski a place in the Halls of Hood Metal. Then Gronk sealed the motherfucking deal with this little diddy that came across the news desk last week. According to CBS Boston, Gronk has continued forging his legacy, this time while speaking at the University of Rhode Island. Students gathered at Edwards Auditorium to stand in awe of his uncontested BRO-someness and to pose the NFL star some hard-hitting questions. By “hard-hitting”, I of course mean a game of Marry, Fuck, Kill. The choices available in this game of careful strategy? Betty White, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan, and Tim Tebow. The results are what legends are made of. BEHOLD!

 

LIKE A BOSS. Rob Gronkowski… Hood Metal salutes you!

 

Rob Gronkowski Shirtless Rob Gronkowski Football Patriots
Rob Gronkowski NFL Patriots
Rob Gronkowski Beer Bong Patriots Rob Gronkowski Aruba Teens Patriots

 
 

 
 

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Author: Juice View all posts by
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