Nerds on Parade – Hood Metal Salutes Star Wars

Darth Vader Star Wars Day

May the Fourth be with you.  Are you sick of hearing that shit today?  You can bet your sweet ass I am, but you know what, I’ll let it slide.  The original trilogy is legit as fuck, BRO.  Lots of books and flicks have gotten metal tributes, Lord of the Rings (Gorgoroth is home to the mines in which the arms and armor are produced for Mordor.  Don’t ask how I know that. As a matter of fact, fuck you, Tolkien is metal as fuck.), Conan the Barbarian (Thanks to Ian Christe’s Bloody Roots show, the only program on Sirius Liquid Metal worth listening to), Iced Earth’s “Horror Show” record, and countless nods to the classic Universal Monsters such as Dracula, Frankenstein, and The Wolf-Man.  But what’s missing from that list?  That’s right, fuckin’ Star Wars.

Why not?  You got me by the nuts.  The only example that came to mind was Vondur’s “Str’idsyfirlysing” record from 1995, and the only thing relating to the holy trilogy from that was the first pressing’s original cover featuring Darth Vader making the invisible-melon metal-hand-of-doom pose.  All reprints and repressings have replaced that with the band’s logo.  How weak is that shit?

Good stuff, but not something you’d really wanna take on the Empire while listening to.  Manowar could do the trilogy justice, all they sing about is glory and battle and other epic shit like that.  They could expand their audience by including a whole other type of nerd, and besides, Princess Leia rockin’ the metal slave bikini is definitely the type of thing they’d put on one of their album covers.

Manowar Gods of War

See?  Wouldn’t that be nice to see at a metal show?  A drastic change from the handjobbin’ skanks I encountered at last weekend’s IWABO gig.  Plus I’m sure Joey DeMaio is tired of running around shirtless and flexing like a BRO to a crowded house full of drunk sweaty dudes.  The scarce eye candy on hand at a Manowar tour has probably been dragged against their will by their LARP-ing boyfriends (assuming these dudes have girlfriends), or, like a Jolly Rancher on a hot dashboard in July, have let their wrappers wilt, their insides melt, and it’s probably best for everyone to just throw them away.

Alright, I know I can go to YouTube and see dudes in their bedrooms playing the Imperial March with their distortion pedals turned to fuckin’ overload, but that doesn’t count.  And before you call me out on it, neither does any song Buckethead happens to title after the trilogy. Buckethead is legit as all hell, but naming his tunes by randomly throwing darts at his DVD collection doesn’t cut it.  If I’m wrong about all of this, by all means, call my old ass out and I’ll give it a spin.  Bonus points if you can find me a tune sung entirely in the language of the Wookies.

Happy Star Wars Day everyone! Drink some whiskey and watch the trilogy as much as possible.


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Author: Gin View all posts by

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