Battlecross Release Video “Never Coming Back”

Battlecross Video War of Will

What’s ONE thing you HAVE to have going for you to be successful in metal? The one driving force pushing you to spend countless hours behind the kit? Compelling you to finger-bang the living bejesus out of your fretboard into the wee hours of the morning? Inspiring you to get up every morning to blow out your voice to Zen of Screaming DVDs, much to the chagrin of that old bitch in 3B who’s always leaving her goddamn bags of shitty kitty litter in the hallway. (Fuck you, Mrs. Weaver!)

You’z ugly.

That’s right. You gotta be ugly–GOTSTA. Wonky eye, bad skin, unkempt hair, supple man breasts, general aroma resembling a mixture of vegan piss and a rotting tuna fish sandwich. It doesn’t take rocket appliances to realize the greatest motivating factor in the history of mankind is, and always will be, vagina. Or, if you wanna church it up, the urge to procreate.

What better way to make up for the face gods whipping you up a shit platter than by shoving a sexy ass guitar in front of your bad-touch region, baiting onlookers to subconsciously visualize your junk? Gyrating on stage in front of a sea of women looking to fill the void left by the abandonment of their fathers is practically a golden ticket to Poontown. Book it and lock it. It’s called overcompensating, try to keep up.

You’ll realize my logic is flawless when you fire up the new clip from self-appointed “Blue Collar Thrash Metal” outfit, Battlecross. I wasn’t aware there was any other kind of thrash metal, but fuck me, right? This merry band of face-rippers has plenty of ugly to go around, and the chops to match. Hell, kill the video feed. Based solely on the sheer level of shreditude presented here, it would be safe to assume these boys’ families had no other recourse but to lock them away in the basement, far from the harsh judgement of the outside world. Wait, is that a god damned skullet I see? FUCK YES IT IS.

Check out Reggie Watts throwing down an absolutely VICIOUS solo. I didn’t even know he jammed. Really whammy barring the shit out of that whammy bar. However, the star of the show here, by far, is BRO on guitar grinning like a shit throughout the clip. Cereal. Guy looks like he’s having a fucking blast, which I dig on a srs level. Don’t get me wrong. I eat that shit up when they’re on stage, mean-muggin’ hard as fuck, spitting blood and defecating on the drummer, but I’ve always been more of an Adam Dutkiewicz type. Party naked, that’s what I always say. Well… I don’t really say that, but people say it. I’ve heard them.

Enjoy the clip… shit’s legit. Go buy their things.


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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