Dear Interwebz – Leave Attila & Fronzilla Alone!

Chris Chrocker

So, there’s this band Attila. You know, like Attila the Hun. They seem to be all the scuttlebutt with the yutes, and apparently people get pretty worked up about what the nerds in the band have to say. I wouldn’t know, I ain’t got time to follow these exercises in jackassery… at least not anymore.

I KNNNOOOOW. You are someone whose discerning appreciation of the heavy metal genre, and fine artistry in general, could never allow you to even flirt with the notion of listening to such lowbrow drivel anyway. “Blah, ba-fuggin-BLAH.” Can it, virgin. You sound like some fuggin’ hayseed in overalls losing your shit because a gay touched your hand.

I don’t have beef with their style of music, different strokes. That said, I’ve never heard the band’s music prior to researching (aka browsing theprp) this post. Nope. Not one second. However, I’m a dood that cut his teeth on such metal stalwarts as Switched, Union Underground, Bionic Jive and the immortal Limp Bizkit, so rest assured I know what the fuck is up. Hell, I’ve even been known to shake a lil’ ass to Emmure. I’m not afraid.

So while I’ve never actually gotten down to their tunes, the band’s thoughts and opinions seem to chase me around the interwebs like a tasty case of the herps. Their public remarks have everyone, including minds associated with publications I expect better from, jumping on the “hater-bandwagon”, taking cracks at a metaphorical piss-filled pinata. Don’t get me wrong, it is justified, and their most recent baiting of the press inspired this post, but aren’t we just feeding the machine?

For those unfamiliar with their rise to prominence, I’ll cover the Cliffs Notes. Attila are an Atlanta, Georgia based deathcore band formed in 2005 by high school friends. Their breakout record came in the form of 2011’s “Outlawed”, which debuted on the Billboard charts at #87. In typical BRO fashion, they revealed the release date of their follow-up, “About That Life“, at 4:20PM EST on April 20th, 2013. Classy shit. The record dropped a few weeks ago and proved to be their most successful release to date. Idiocracy: fiction or prophecy?

Likely the sole reason anyone’s even heard of Attila, and the poster boy for the partycore scene, is front man and closeted homosexual, Chris “Fronz” Fronzak. While “The Fronz” or “Fronzilla” or “Whatever the Fuck” currently enjoys royalty status amongst the entitled YOLO generation, the young Prince of Pubes comes from humble beginnings. Like many of us, Fronzak dealt with insecurities about his slop body, horrible acne and repressed sexuality. Strife that inspired the noble pursuit of self-improvement through an appearance on the MTV program, MADE, a reality show in which teens are coached by an expert to chase their dreams of becoming a false idol. His aspiration at the time? (Talk about foreshadowing a future of superficial endeavors) To be a male model.

Now, I’m not gonna do what everyone THINKS I’m gonna do here. Sure, this obnoxious dork begs to be ridiculed, but that’s all this dood is really about… begging. Begging for attention through any means necessary. The attention I’m sure his parents never provided his insufferable ass. Maybe mother was hoping for a girl, or perhaps daddy was embarrassed of his dilapidated t-ball swing. Whatever it was, the neglect has manifested, mutating what I’m sure was a sweet, engaging kid into a narcissistic douche-monster, overcompensating HARD and capable of little more than slaying n00bz on xbox Live and noshing on Cheetos Puffs. I don’t blame him. He’s representative of a generation. A product of his environment.

Chris Fronz Attila

Or, perhaps, his annoying bullshit is simply some type of coping mechanism enabling him to hide behind the guise of an alpha p-hound, protecting a secret he refuses to come to grips with. I’m sure you’ve caught on to my not-so-subtle implications. Don’t get it twisted. I’m not trying to bully or gay-bash. If anything, I’m providing Fronzak an opportunity to come clean. I’m an advocate of rigorous honesty.

Have you ever heard the Shakespeare quote, “doth protest too much, methinks”? Ever pulled up a stool next to the putrid smelling 300-pounder always going on about all the vag he’s slaying? Perhaps you know someone who owns a Hummer? What am I getting at here? Going to such extents to broadcast how hetero you are, while routinely dropping hateful slurs, raises some serious red flags to anyone with a half decent judgement. Hell, ignore all that and consider how much the kid refers to sucking cock and penis in general. If that’s what he’s down for, fuggin’ get after it, BRO. I love me some full-throttle gays. Wear it with pride, cupcakes. What doesn’t float my boat is disingenuous egomaniacs perpetuating his particular variety of horseshit.

Think I’m jumping to conclusions? Take in this gem below from BryanStars Interviews. Actually, don’t. I watched the entire 27 minutes, an accomplishment worthy of a fuggin’ gold star and 72 virgins. Whether he’s a repressed, self-loathing homosexual or an extreme homophobe is irrelevant, he’s a troll wholly unworthy of your limited time. That’s the bottom line.

I’m not suggesting anyone send out malicious tweets, picket their shows alongside the Westboro Baptist Church, or set their records ablaze in the middle of your local Best Buy. Far too often, we focus on criminalizing an individual for practicing behavior we’ve all endorsed through the choices we make. I’m asking you to simply change the station. Ignore the argument in the YouTube comments section. Refrain from the pissing match with those you deem “less metal”. Don’t get sucked into the shit-tornado. Remember there’s safety in numbers, and dumb people need to feel safe.

The energy you waste focusing on dipshits like Fronzak sustains their existence and perpetuate their kind. Chase your passions and discover what truly inspires you. Cultivate strong, positive influences and nurture your talents. It will serve you well for the rest of your life and effect far more than your taste in music. Most importantly, ignore the loud & obnoxious, begging you to turn off your brain and join the cult of the disconnected. They’re the loudest, dress the boldest, but there’s nothing inside.


For your own damned good.

Oh, and Chris… GET FUCKED.


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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