RIPPED: Mr. French’s Alpha Album Covers

Steve French

Okay, so if you jergoffs are anything like me (You’re not. You have a job, and friends, and a high tolerance to UV exposure), then you’ve undoubtedly stumbled across this article from Buzzfeed before, or at least some stupid variation of it. It’s a list of “21 painfully awkward band photos” that almost seem too bizarre to be true. I happened upon it just the other day while strapped into my PC command center, (sans pants, eyes bloodshot, dried cereal stuck to my face) and thought it’d be fun to give you dicks a breakdown of my three favorites. Think that’s a shitty idea? YOU’RE NOT WRONG, YOU’RE JUST AN ASSHOLE. Now shut up and read my bullshit. I’ll call the feature, “RIPPED”… because I totally ripped off the article. #YOLO.

Getting Down to Business

This is what I’m fucking talking about right here. Bad motherfucker Gary is all about blowing up those less pure in the pit, and that’s why he’s walking away with the bronze.

Fuck, this album cover is hard as shit. Gary isn’t here to play games or give fucks; he’s here to get down to business. The subtle hand placement, mixed with the obvious fighting stance, is a textbook demonstration of pitbull mentality, AND I FUCKING LIKE IT. He’s got sass, he’s got flair, and he’s got the beard to bring it all together. Excellent work, Gary, keep reppin’ hard.

Sex Panther

Oh, Kenny… you sly dog you, you’re my pick for the silver.

Our boy Kenny here decided to take a more sensual approach with his album cover and fuckin’ A, he’s nailing it. Everything about this photo screams SEX, and god dammit Ken, I’m hot to trot. As much as I appreciate getting TURNT UP and THROWING DOWN as our third place winner Gary does (SWAG), I’m a raw dog at heart and know at the end of the day, it’s all about pleasing the ladies. That’s why Ken gets the nod for #2. This motherfucker has the hair, the outfit, the mustache, the name of the album, EVERYTHING. And if I’m aroused (no homo bromo), then the ladies most definitely have to be digging it too. Any female readers out there getting worked up over this one? Talk about opening up the choke and pulling the chord, SHIT.


And last but certainly not fucking least, I present you with the undisputed winner and proud recipient of hood metal’s golden turd. Wear it with pride, Tozovac, you earned it.

I definitely don’t speak the language (must be Canadian or French or Korean or fuck if I know) but I’m down with the message. Tozovac clearly knows what the fucks up and he’s not afraid to show it. I can only speculate here but it seems fairly obvious that this album photo was taken to visually portray this man’s sexual prowess. I mean, clearly he’s got a cock the size of an artillery cannon and he has every intention of using it as such. For fuck’s sake, just look at how nonchalantly he’s pointing out the trajectory of his undeniably colossal load as if he’s Ken Griffey Jr. about to knock one out of the fucking park. Well played sir, I admire thee.

That’s it, ya turds. I got nothing else.


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Author: Steve French View all posts by

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