Newsflash: No One Gives a Shit if You Hate Emmure

Emmure Nemesis Deathcore

OH BOY. Even as I’m writing this, more lazy dogshit is coming through the wire from the metal blogosphere. What’s the action? What big shit be poppin’ in the metal game? WHAT’S ALL THE SCUTTLEBUTT?

Clear a path for the tard parade, hoodies… Emmure has new music on the way! And you know what that means: another run of played out Limp Bizkit references, songwriting lectures, dexterity sarcasm and disapproving glares from weirdos with beardos.

Here’s where I make MY requisite stand against Emmure and any other act cashing in on a simplistic, trendy sound. Wait… I just remembered. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, and you need to seriously reconsider giving one as well.

Like Emmure. Hate Emmure. What-the-fuck-ever already. We get it, super discerning metal guy, you are true, they are false… or whatever it is you’re chapped about. I know you’re butthurt that these dorks are stacking paper while your progressive folk ambient black metal band is stuck playing gigs in a vacant storage locker somewhere in Arkansas, but that’s life.

Despite all our ascensions up the metal ladder taking markedly different paths, once we reach a certain level of “enlightenment”, all our stories start to sound the same for some reason. That reason is because we’re all cowards afraid of appearing false according to the stringent guidelines of metal fandom, laid forth not by the sub-cultures or artists, but by butthurt media critics who’ve dedicated their lives to constructing a hierarchy in which they sit atop, dictating who and what to admire. Who the fuck is Darwin’s Waiting Room? I GREW UP ON CANNIBAL CORPSE AND BOLT THROWER RECORDS YOU BUNCHA PUSSIES.

What I’m truly getting at here is the lesson your mother should have taught you instead of imparting such morsels as, “fuck the haters”: If you don’t have anything nice to say, close the YouTube window.

If it doesn’t make you money or make you happy, fuck it.

Have you ever stopped to think how much time you’ve wasted involving yourself in pissing matches with fellow half-tards who have zero intention of understanding your point (in the unlikely case of you actually having one)? You could have spent that time shredding or finding gnarly bands to tell your friends about. Instead you’re slamming profanities into a keyboard, chopping down fellow fans and normal folks like you that actually have the sack to create something and put their fucking name on it.

Adam Carolla PodcastThis much is certain: no one gives a fuck what you think, and this is something you should embrace. Explore what erects YOUR flesh monument. As comedian Adam Carolla regularly recites, “If it doesn’t make you money or make you happy, fuck it“. Sitting on a throne of shitty opinions is a lot less satisfying than focusing on the good shit that brings on good feels. BELIEVE ME, I’ve been there.

Saying something “sucks” is the easiest and LAZIEST criticism possible, and it’s generally the refuge of a dullard scrambling for relevance. Try polishing that turd every once in a while and see where it takes you. Maybe someday YOU’LL be writing stale breakdowns that rake bank. Then at least you can tell your grandkids about that time you toured the country in a metal band. I don’t think they’ll be as entertained with the story of “that one time I told CommentCunt1987 to suck a fuck”.

You can pre-order Emmure’s new one, “Eternal Enemieshere.


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Author: Juice View all posts by

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